Nothing is ever as simple as it seems.
After my last post, I sat down to work on my novel. I had discovered my fear of failure – great, time to move on. I had the babe on me, sleeping but feeling yucky, so I would work with one hand, but it’s editing – no problem. Slower, yes but doable. But, wait, there was more fear, lurking. I was scared to begin.
One of the things that has plagued me since I gave birth is death (it was the same thing with the birth of my other two children as well). All of sudden life seems too short. I feel too old to be having children because I won’t be around that long (I’m 36 so not such a logical conclusion, but I never said this was rational). I become terrified of loosing them, and of the possibility of their suffering. All the common angst of a new mother, I believe. Sleep deprived minds are not very functional, I have noticed, and they tend to latch on to irrational thoughts.
My novel that I began a little over a year ago is about motherhood, loss, denial of self, and deep deep pain. It is taxing, and emotional draining, and without a doubt the most difficult piece I have worked on. It has a lot subtleties, and complexities, and requires me to give myself completely over to it. I was petrified to come back to these characters and their suffering. But I did.
It was not as scary as I thought it would be. In fact, it wasn’t scary at all. Some time ago after a little hiatus from writing I mentioned that my return felt like I was back home. I felt this way again. As if my characters had been waiting for me to join them, with fresh eyes, clean eyes.
I saw some mistakes, but nothing major, but of course I am only at the beginning of the novel. I have about 400 pages to work through, and I’m excited about it now.
These recent posts of mine remind of writing down one’s thoughts and releasing them by burning. I might have done that once or twice as teen, but I’m not certain (I have a terrible memory!). Yet, here there actual people receiving them. Thank you.
Have you struggled through emotional moments in your writing? How do you do it?