Last week I was sadly writing towards a fast approaching end, not wanting to let go of my characters that I had become so attached to in the last year writing my first draft. I finally gave myself over to it, and the ending of this novel has been pouring out of me, as though in a long-awaited release. My character’s are coming to their conclusions, and I am feeling immense satisfaction for them. It is an odd feeling, to be happy with death, sorrow, and grief, for that is the ending many of my characters endure.
Last week, Linda wrote about fictive dreaming, and her post left me thinking. It made me realize that it was precisely this state, termed fictive dreaming (of which I had never heard the term for before reading this post) that was causing me such great fear.
When I write I enter this state very deeply. It is something I have always experienced, and is akin to reading except it is much much stronger when I am writing. Being pregnant, for me this state is actually deeper. I was not yet writing when I was pregnant with my first, and I do not remember writing at all with my second. Perhaps I was slowly editing that first novel. Yet this time, I am writing just about daily, and I find it nerve-racking how deep into my story and characters I fall. When I stop writing for whatever reason I am always shocked at how much time has passed before I even needed a breather.
The ending of my novel portrays quite a bit of suffering, and I just didn’t want to experience it. Now that I have given in to it, I find that there is a reason to this suffering. A reason I knew was there all along, but still, you have to experience something to fully appreciate it, right? It is human nature to believe all suffering and sacrifice is for a cause, even though this is not necessarily so in reality. But this is not reality, this is fiction, and fiction has to be better than reality. In turn, the sorrows I write about must lead to a purpose, and in this case it is the growth of my MC. Now my cause has focus, instead of only the pain.
I approach my last pages, probably about 10 to 20 left, and I know that this fear I had of suffering along with my characters has made me see the story in a more complete fashion.